i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
