Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
