My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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