she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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