Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
