He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
