i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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