So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
