My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
