any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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