break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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