Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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