Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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