Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
