Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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