So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
