I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
