I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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