My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I touched a dick in church today
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
