suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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