More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
