I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
