I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
