I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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