i'm signing you up for texting rehab
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
