I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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