Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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