dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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