I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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