he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize