So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
