it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
