I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
