I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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