legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You can't just leave with hair like that
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
