Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The power of my boobs compel you
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
