Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
