Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Randomize
