Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
