She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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