based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
