if you like me you must not know who I am
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
