someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
