My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
