why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
