If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
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