So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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