She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
