i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
