so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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