So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
