If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just pee around me
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
