she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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