Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Randomize
