ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
