Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
