her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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