My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
